Friday, May 18, 2012

And then I Realized I Don't Like Las Vegas

Onto and out of my final vacation recap.

Day 6:

I woke up and raaaan.  The ole Garmin didn't work so well amidst the majesty of enormous Zion rocks, but I would estimate it was 13 miles.  I ran with my phone, which means for the first time ever, I could take pictures while I ran.  I'm usually a hands-free only runner.



First picture is of my little nature pal that I almost killed.  I needed something to help show the scale...should have used my hand...but used a piece of gum.  Always in my pocket when I run.  Always Extra brand.

Then I tried to take a picture of a wild turkey in my path, but it ran away from me like a celebrity pretending it didn't invite the paparazzi.  I also came face to face with a deer, and sweet-talked it into letting me pass by.   I took a couple pictures of my scenery....best run of the year.  Buttcrease was bothered. Normal.

Cell-phone quality

After showering up, I had a slushee from a movie theater food court where we watched a terrible short film about Zion on IMAX, and then we both got an ice cream before heading out on a short "farewell Zion" hike.

This is how casual the hike was. We: a) were hiking with ice cream; b) were wearing flip flops; c) I was wearing a dress; and d) we never got around to sunscreen.  It ended up being 3 miles of other hikers giving us a either a "what idiots" look or an "am I overdressed?" look as we steamed past them....dressed like we were going to the beach.

Once I finished my ice cream, I had to hike with the sticky cup in my hand. 

hehe.  Hiking with an ice cream cone = baller

Terrain not ideal for flippy-floppies


While concluding the hiking portion of this vacation, there is something really serious and important that we have to talk about.  Some of you will be like, "no way!? What!? I would never do that!" But for those of you who can handle this secret I'm about to tell you, your life will change for the better and never return to the old primitive ways of....the...female peehole.  Listen up.

Behold. The Freshette.



DON'T BE AFRAID.  Just do it.  You hike; you pee standing up.  You camp; you pee standing up.  You approach a disgusting port-o-potty or a gas station bathroom; YOU PEE STANDING UP.  You dominate the world, you don't get poison oak all over your hands while popping a squat, and you don't have to dodge the downstream flow of pee as it trickles towards your hands.  Life saver.  I love this thing.

The first time you use it, you will laugh.  And it will be hard to pee straight because you will convulse with laughter.  But now, I'm so pro, I could cook you a fancy meal while using this thing.

So then.  Zion and hiking was sadly over.  We got in the car, ate at our favorite joint in Zion, and headed to Las Vegas to spend the evening and next morning before flying  back home to the depressing reality of life not in Utah.

Goat cheese relleno, Whiptail Grill

Las Vegas--Day 6 and Day 7:

Culture. Shock.

I finally realized that Las Vegas is not meant for me.  It is meant for people who are into the following things:

1) margaritas in really long plastic tubes.
2) walking slowly down a sidewalk behind huge crowds in the hot sun.
3) learning that Seinfeld is in town, but knowing it is impossible to get to see him.
4) Hot Girls at your Door in 10 minutes. XXX.
5) Being able to choose from 6 different Christian Louboutin/Gucci/Prada/Chanel stores within a 2 mile radius.
6) Lying down like a slug in the sun next to a pool, and never swimming, maybe a little dip, sunscreen is for the weak.
7) Having depressing locals snap flyer cards in your face.  No thanks, no Hot Girl in 10 Minutes today, maybe next time.

Yeah I wasn't into the circus this time around.  Even people watching was not amusing, after seeing the same version of a 31 year old sunburned dude with drink in hand hoping to magically be as cool as Bradley Cooper in The Hangover.

To illustrate how much I did NOT fit in: after walking through the strip, we got a little bored at one point and decided to see if we could take THREE steps at a time while heading up some stairs.  The Gentleman did it successfully.  I tried, and ended up more or less in a wide-leg semi-splits position, trying my darndest to accomplish the 3-stair step.  While in that position, I looked up.  Two of those Bradley-Cooper-wannabes were having the laugh of their life.

That was when I really realized.  Adults don't know how to have a good time.  Adults think a good time is going to Vegas, to look at a lot of sparkly shiny things in buildings and endless miniskirts/high heels/cleavage and neverending alcohol and gaudy shows.  But the funnest part of my day was trying to climb some stairs three at a time, and not giving a crap that these desperately-clinging-to-college-dicks thought I was the most ridiculous crazy person they ever saw. 

Also annoying: I bought a hot dog and an iced hot chocolate....for $20.  Whaaaat!?

The best thing about Vegas was our bed at Caesar's.  I need to know what kind of mattress it was.  Best night of sleep ever.

Some Nike store promotion in Vegas, and I chose to do the obvious.


I bought a $3 test tube shot while wandering in front of Treasure Island

It did nothing.  Nothing.

10:00 p.m., we didn't know what to do with ourselves.  We saw a Dairy Queen listed in a mall directory and shouted, "Dairy Queeeeen!!!!" and then walked around casinos watching people play serious gambling games while eating our Dairy Queen.  This literally made people uncomfortable.  And maybe mad.  (Butterscotch dipped cone for life).

11:00 p.m., wandering aimlessly around the Wynn.  I have a thing for purple chairs...a story I'll maybe share one day.

Any Las Vegas haters in the house?

Who is brave enough to keep a Freshette in their pocket on their next road trip or camping trip or ultra?

30 comments:

  1. I've never been to Vegas and I don't like it. I don't even have to go to know I don't like it. I sent my husband there on vacation by himself a few years ago because I refused to accompany him (ok,well, so maybe it was a guys trip, whatever) - but that's how much I don't like it. Of all the things in the world that annoy me, two stand out: fake things and gambling. And aren't those things totally descriptive of Las Vegas?
    PS Freshette is a Mardi Gras staple I've heard, although I usually spend my Mardi Gras cowering in my house, wishing the neighbors would quit parking on the lawn.

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  2. I'd try that thing for sure! Where did you buy it? Online?

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    1. REI -- looks like you can get it online too

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  3. YES. My hubs and I had decided to create one of these and patent it and make billions...and then we realized it was already made (used by many female marines, apparently). That we even had discussions about this device was not at all weird.

    Vegas.... blehhh. Especially the poolside college wankers(Aussie word for douche or equivalent).

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  4. I've seen doo-dads like that for peeing standing up and have always wanted to try one but have yet to. Probably because I'm not a big fan of camping.

    I've never been to Vegas, and I'm not sure if I want to. I don't like douchey crowds. If I went to Vegas, I'd want to be able to go to fancy restaurants and fancy shows, and I have a feeling it will be a long time before I will be able to afford that. Instead I would be stuck hanging out with the douchebags. So I would only go if it were with a group of friends and WE were the douchebags. But not really. Because we're not cocky and full of ourselves.

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    1. San Francisco has better food IMO...lots of fancy food in Vegas, but somehow it seems more expensive and less delicious than the sister restaurants in California

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  5. Also not a Vegas fan. The last two times I went, once was for work, and I bailed on the table service at a Wynn club event; the other I brought my kids to meet up with my brother for his birthday. That might have been my favorite trip ever.

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  6. I really love that it's called the 'Freshette.' It sounds so dainty & lady-like. :)

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  7. I can't see Vegas being my kind of place either; I'd feel much more at home on any of the hikes you embarked upon. The beauty of that scenery far surpasses any of the superficial, commercial tat that seems to characterise Vegas.

    On a lighter note, I'd definitely but a 'Freshette' if I was camping (I also loathe public toilets so it could be helpful there too. Slightly awkward to carry around, I fear).

    xxx

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  8. i hated vegas at first: fake t*t chicks, high heels, fake money thrown around, loud ass spring breakers, etc...but then I went with my husband...with whom we quickly turned our Vegas trips into FOOD trips.

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  9. While working on a boat doing sediment sampling for 12+ hours a day my coworker used the Freshette. She was smart. I was not and therefore my coworkers now know what my butt looks like.

    Ah Vegas. I thought I would hate the place because I hate spending money (gambling is the epitome of waste) and I hate fake stuff (people, Paris, etc.). But then... I. Liked. Vegas? I guess because I could drink my face off while blending in and I've always met interesting folk there, like a hobbit and professional race walkers. Seriously.

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  10. Aww, I like Vegas. I don't gamble or drink and I'm the freak who goes there with her MOM so take that as you will. We go to shows, take day trips (we went to Hoover Dam last time, which is amazing!), go shopping, hang by the pool...And seriously - love it for all the giant fakeness that it is. It's like a dirty Disneyland, all lights and color.

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    1. Yeah my favorite thing about Las Vegas is the "day trips", which I turn into week trips. Grand Canyon, Zion....I'll have to check out the Hoover Dam one day

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  11. I am not a huge Vegas fan either...it's so dirty (the clean freak in me can't stand cigg smoke!)
    I included you in my post today, hope you don't mind :)
    I will be in San Fran again next weekend...want to run?!
    xoxo!

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  12. When you said "Zion" + "shower" I was like "how did you manage that?!" Then I realized you probably didn't camp in the park. My one gripe with the park is that it is a pain in the ass to get a shower if you camp inside (in fact, we didn't shower for two days because the one place that supposedly sold showers was closed).

    I don't understand Vegas. I think I need someone to show me where it is people have fun in Vegas. Unless it is all clubs and getting decked out in clubby clothing. Then I think its probably never going to be for me.

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    1. Yup, we were right outside the park. Showered almost every day!

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  13. How do you carry the pee thing?

    I have trouble staying up late. I am not good at getting drunk. I don't like being in large groups. I don't like loud places. I HATE clubs. Vegas is not for me.

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    1. I carry it in my backpack. Probably wouldn't fit in a pocket, although that plastic tube does retract into the cup, to make it smaller

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  14. My son's travel bball brings us to Vegas for tournaments. I love the desert & Vegas is what you make out of it. Vegas even host a killer cold ass Rock & Roll marathon in December. http://runrocknroll.competitor.com/las-vegas

    I'm sticking with cop-a-squat. What if that thing falls out of your purse?

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    1. Killer? I heard mostly bad things about the marathon and half marathon last December on blogs. I thought the idea of a nighttime race sounded cool until I read all the recaps...

      If the Freshette falls out of your purse, say "hey, you gotta get one of these! They're the best!" No shame at all.

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  15. Las Vegas is the town I call my home. People actually live out here and live normal lives too. I'm sure it was a culture shock after spending a week in beautiful Zion. But, you can find 31 year old douchey guys in every major city. I'm not exactly sure what you were expecting from a night out on the "Strip" on a crowded Saturday night. Culture?, Poetry?, Political Awareness? Be careful RR I think your "hipster" side is showing.
    P.S. The only time I head to the strip is when I have family or friends visiting.

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    1. When I say that Las Vegas isn't for me, I 100% mean "the strip", and that's it. I bet your neighborhood is awesome. And if it makes you feel better, I've also ragged on San Francisco, Oakland, and Eugene on this blog...you know how you only take visitors to the strip? That's like how I never go to Fisherman's Wharf or Pier 39 unless with visitors...because it's pretty lame. Tourist trap stuff.

      Also, this was probably my 7th time to the strip. It just got old...fun with a group of single girls, but strange when you are with your significant other and don't want to spend $$$$$$$

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  16. I hate spending money on overpriced things or dealing with massive crowds. So Vegas is a big no for me. I actually really like Macau though, and it's basically an exact replica of all the Vegas hotels. Somehow it's more exotic though since the visitors are more international.

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  17. I haven't been to Vegas, but I feel like a couple of days centered around lounging by a pool drinking and eating from buffets wouldn't be the worst thing. I think, though, I would really not appreciate it coming out of Zion. The juxtaposition would just be too much.

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  18. So I have to ask: what kind of meal would you cook whilst peeing? Is there a recipe book specifically for that? :-)

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  19. Haha, I just read the comment about how "your hipster side is showing". I'm not sure I see the connection between your dislike of Las Vegas and a total decline into hipster-ville but whatevs :)

    I am not a fan of the Las Vegas strip either. I can only handle a day, maybe two tops. And I never leave feeling like "wow, I can't wait to go back there someday!" It's more like, thank god I can go home now and get away from the throngs of people and smoke-filled rooms and the weird feeling that I'm in some sort of twilight zone.

    I do love being able to drink on the streets though. That's legit.

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  20. First, no way in hell would I put my hand down by that critter of sorts, probably not even my gum. I treasure my gum.

    Second, can't say that I hate Vegas but I have absolutely no desire to ever visit. Ever. For any reason. Well, unless someone gave me money to blow for them, then I'd give it a shot.

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  21. So glad you said that about Vegas. I've never been, and people have been telling me that I omghavetogo for years, but this just affirms that I would not like it one bit. Where people got the idea that it's for everyone is beyond me.

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  22. How awesome is the segue between the Freshette that you could cook a fancy meal in and the goat cheese relleno? Very awesome. Do they fit in a running shorts pocket? Because some of those race-port-a-potties would benefit heartily from not having to sit down.
    Cheers (with a not-$15-cocktail) to hating the Vegas strip. The last time I was there was for a friend's bachelorette party and I kept feeling like I had wandered into the script of an awful movie and kept fruitlessly trying to find my way into something better. (Wait--how did I end up with all these girls in Wedding Crashers? Is it too late to go be a minion in Despicable Me?)

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  23. Vegas is a trip...and not really my deal either. Those card-snappers didn't like it when I went up to them and ASKED for cards. I came home with loads. Want some?

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