Thursday, August 22, 2013

ShittyBlogger

Hi, I'm a blog about health and running.  I found running and it turned my life around.  I used to be 10 pounds fatter than super thin.  Ew! Look at me now.  Inspiring! I get A LOT of questions about the fact that this is so inspiring, like, "fact: you are so inspiring?" So, on a regular rotation, I present to you my hard-earned expert knowledge that you have sadly not been able to learn on your own.  That's too bad for you.  Check in here every day so you can be less sad.*

*Actually guaranteed to make you more sad.

FIRST, this is so important and not obvious.  It is such a uniquely "ME" idea that I am in the process of trademarking it. Go to your local running shoe store, and get fitted for a great pair of running shoes! (trademarked). This makes a huge difference.  Even if the person who helps you is 16 years old, has never run, and is tweeting the Biebs the entire time, they will find you the PERFECT shoe.  Before you visit the store, you will probably notice that you fall a lot and trip sideways while trying to run in your normal $40 running shoes, and some toes (not toenails, toes) will fall off.  SO get fitted by a store that offers running shoes at no discount!  You cannot run by trying shoes on by yourself or looking information up online.  You HAVE to go to your local running shoe store.  Otherwise you'll get slower and fatter.

Buy stuff

SECOND.  This is brand new.  Hot off the press.  This is a secret potion mystery piece of advice.  Never before heard.  The advice is....foam roll. Ideally, you should get 17 different kinds of appliances to rub your body against.  Sticks, balls, foam rollers with bumps and spikes, and foam rollers in size tiny, little, medium, large, and couch. You're welcome.

I use these they are great, and they fit in your pocket

Third.  Once, I tried running in a cotton shirt, and it was absolutely fine and nothing bad happened at all!  NEVERTHELESS, I highly, highly recommend that you click on this link and buy this special tech fabric t-shirt for $35, BUT WAIT, with code "shittyblogger" you get it for $31.27 instead! Free for me, $31.27 for you.  I can't reiterate enough how little of a difference this makes when it comes to actual running performance and comfort, but you admire me and I'm a REAL RUNNER and I wear this shirt (cause it was free).  Stop thinking, turn your brain off and just listen to what I am telling you: buy this shirt for $31.27 more than I paid for it.

Fourth.  Look CUTE while you run!  I have permanent eye damage from foundation running into my eyeballs with sweat while I run, but since my admirers often spot me while running this is simply non-negotiable.  Definitely worth the eye damage.  Mark my words: nothing about running matters more than how you LOOK while running.  Which reminds me also, go buy stripey socks for $86.66 because they make your legs look more dainty.  Big runner legs are gross.

I disagree with this so hard that I am insulted that it exists 

Fifth, go above and beyond running for crying out loud! Otherwise you will be boring! don't be boring! Things that you need to also do include: yoga; burpees; pilates; mountain climbers; PLANKS; marathons; ultra-marathons; triathlons; body pump; ballerina twirls; six more planks; have an elaborate engagement; plan a wedding for a year; and have a baby.  That's a FACT.  Have a baby.  fact.

Sixth, always take a rest day! Take the full day off and just lie in the bed with your limbs splayed out like a starfish, don't even move once all day.  Eat extra donuts.  That's what YOU should do.  On MY rest day, however, I take a bikram yoga class and teach two spin classes, and then go on a 4 mile walk with a dog I found, and then a 3 mile walk with whoever will listen to me gossip. Then a 30-minute shred video. I love my rest days, it's a great opportunity to be lazy and recharge!  

rest day!
Last, but not least: be genetically gifted with attractive genes.  If you want to be successful at managing a blog for other women to be inspired and admire you, it is so important that you have enviable looks.  Be humble and self-deprecating about it.  Call yourself a lard so that people with 12% body fat feel like a double lard.  Being attractive is more important than writing well because you can use 8 pictures in your blog post, and then use just 35 words. For example, I learned how to write by reading Sweet Valley High books and now I have a blog read by millions! People read because they think some of my good looks and graceful lifestyle will rub off on them! haha! what an idea.  Nobody can be perfect like me.  That's why I'm the one with so many admirers.

Author's note: based on true stories. 

80 comments:

  1. slow claps over here. well done. (ps: this is "always losing bobby pins" - I still read you :) )

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  2. aaaaand I love you.

    Extra credit: more planking, handstands, planking in public, and a whooooole lot of instagramming and then using the same instagram photos on my blog because lol my followers like to see the same photos in multiple places I'M PRETTY

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    1. Yes admirer, re-using blog material and photographs of yourself in multiple social media formats is a great tool to use, I'll get 3 posts about this advice up soon!

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  3. Replies
    1. No race would be complete without it!

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    2. Is this like a leprechaun jump? during a race? whoa

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  4. Don't forget to Instagram your breakfast of oatmeal (off-center with a filter, natch), and go on and on about how crappy you felt during your last marathon and include pictures of yourself barely breaking a sweat in full makeup.

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  5. Pure.Bloody.Genius.

    And the award for Blog Post of the Year goes to...

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  6. This is actually the best thing I've read in months. Keep it real.

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  7. Haha! Don't forget to add a recipe or two using some sort of protein powder. Yum!

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    1. I was about to write the same! And then you can name your protein powder - no sugar - flax/chia cookies "the most decadent, gooey, delicious cookies EVER!!! I couldn't stop and ate like 2!"

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  8. Don't forget countless selfies while running for #proof. :) Thanks for the good mid-day laugh.

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  9. Thank you. Thank you. All of this.

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  10. You forgot Chobani and Kobucha. And sparkle.

    AND REMEMBER TO HYDRATE!!!!!


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    Replies
    1. Do not confuse Kobucha with kombucha.

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    2. Why not? Apparently both are equally awesome for refueling after a race! And you get bonus bloating and chronic gas FTW!

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    3. Both of these are so 2008. Keep up with the healthy food trends!

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    4. Chocolate milk. The PERFECT refueling choice.

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  11. OMG YOU ARE SOOOO INSPIRING 11!!11!!!

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  12. Thanks for the advice! I got the tee shirt and I absolutely love it! I hope you got some $$$ due to the shittyblogger code. I'd never know how to be a real runner without you!

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  13. witty, sarcastic genius! great way to express your feelings while making people wanna read, instead of an all-out rant! LOVE the rest day part! high fives

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  14. Also you must blog because you aren't a real runner unless you start a blog about it. Stay #fitfluential and as always I will kiss your ass and tell you how hilarious you are and that I wish we lived closer.

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    Replies
    1. Wait, we are about to live closer. Wish granted!

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  15. Please brand your blog so that you can sell yourself while you provide fucking glowing reviews of the gear made by the company who's free-marketing... er, ambassador program you're currently in.

    Start coaching other runners who are even slower than you are and refer to them often as "my athletes" like you're solely responsible for their good performances.

    Go on ad-nausea about the gluten-free/vegan/paleo foods you're eating and set your Instagram to triple-filter your breakfast and sunrise photos taken with your crappy flip phone camera.

    Post song-lyrics to your blog as the mood strikes you (but makes for a quick spin of the scroll wheel for the rest of us to quickly pass by.)

    Please do these things.

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  16. Reason 56839220283 why I love you, a lot.

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  17. You forgot to mention how fueling is so, so important and you should take 3 Gu packets with you and a camelbak for a 10 mile run. Oh, but I only refuel with salad and pickles. Maybe chocolate milk if it's free and someone is taking a picture.

    Seriously, that rest day segment made me actual laugh out loud. That's not an easy task. Brava.

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    1. Exactly, I'll have to do a post soon on how you must eat a LOT before, during, and after a run. Me, personally, I just sip some nuun flavored water.

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  18. And always cook really super delicious healthy treats with protein powder as the main ingredient! Like birthday cake with protein powder or mashed potatoes with protein powder!

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    Replies
    1. Bwhahaha Chocolate protein mashed taters! YUMMO.

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  19. Also, you have to move to Oregon.

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  20. Hahahaha this was the highlight of my day :D

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  21. You have no idea how ridiculously excited I was to see a new post!

    and it did not disappoint, love the witty snark.

    Do you have links to more things I can buy in the hope that you might notice me and tweet back?

    - Shittyblogger fangirl

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    1. If you give me free things or get more popular, I will notice you and tweet you back

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  22. I don't get it.

    Oh well, I'm off to go take pictures of myself trying on skinny jeans at Nordstrom.

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    1. They were both on sale which doesn't matter because my husband makes a lot of money lol but you are probably poor so just so you know they were on sale I am relatable!!!!

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    2. Do you wanna buy some of my old running shorts??

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    3. Selling your old shit is SO WRONG. Hold giveaways to pump your page views WHILE unloading the crap you don't like/need any longer.

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    4. Oh thank goodness Marie. You can never have too many of the exact same pair of skinny jeans! Same goes for Loubs. Or whatever tall shoes are the most extravagant.

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  23. I read your blog off and on, mainly because I only read any blog off and on-- but I am REALLY GLAD that I tuned in for this one.

    Hilarious. Carry on. You're awesome.

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  24. well, you did promise that all your posts from now on would be lies... :)

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    Replies
    1. You are just jealous, I never lie! You're the liar! Don't even make me summon the white knights!

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  25. You forgot "be so random lol teehee im such a dork!"

    I would like to know more about the logistics of heel clicking in the middle of a race. How can I accomplish this without pulling something or getting punched in the face? Can you do a how to?

    Also we need more photos of your dog.

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  26. And you forgot to mention how blessed you are, that God wanted you to be a runner, that God guides you through every workout and that you're so blessed following his plan while running a Marathon in Cinderella costume. Yes. This.

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  28. I laughed inappropriately hard at this (at work, in my cubicle...)

    You clearly overlooked a few things:
    -Diet needs to consist of flax seeds, chia seeds, green juice that tastes like dirt, paleo, and laughing cow cheese wedges.
    -Posting "funny" pictures to prove how much of a nerd you are
    -Encouraging readers to oogle your super hottie hubbie

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    1. I can't believe I forgot to mention that a huge key to my perfect success is laughing cow cheese, and having an equally attractive spouse! I'll be adding that the my "About me, the hero" page.

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  29. The found dog on rest day... amazing.

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  30. Haha! This just made my day. Fantastic!

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  31. This is just... wow. Love.

    Also, "bad" selfies (makes you more relateable), lots of frozen yogurt (I eat "junk food" too!), and don't forget to push Nuun (but my opinions are my own!).

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    1. To be a really hardcore runner make sure that you leave nuun at Pre's rock in Oregon! Pre would love nuun!

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    2. Because obviously hardcore runners have a spiritual connection with Pre and commune with him often. ;-)

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    3. Pre is SO amazing, he won like, 6 olympics, we are totally kindred spirits.

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  32. New runner & blogger, thank you for highlighting the formula of how NOT to approach either running or blogging. Don't forget to snap shots of your shoes to show off your thigh gap.

    ps. Are you preggers? A baby sounds like a great way to earn popularity points : )

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    1. New runner in the house!!! #1 rule for new runners: buy lululemon so that your thigh gap looks bigger, stand pigeon toed, and change your genetics so that your hips are positioned just so and you have a thigh gap.

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  33. Well done. I laughed. Out loud.

    Sadly, I am guilty of reading many of these bloggers and losing time and quite possibly brain cells in the process.

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  34. More #ShittyBlogger stuff like this, please!!! Love it.

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  35. Absolutely brilliant. Thanks for a refreshing blog with originality and writing talent....hard to come by and much appreciated.

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  36. I just found your blog and actually snorted with laughter. This is fabulous and amazing and unfortunately SO f-ing true.

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  37. I am guilty of reading these blogs (and even being these blogs sometimes) and this cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh!

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  38. Oh oh oh!! Don't forget to take pictures of your feet often and post them! Bare feet, new shoes, nasty toes. Love! And we are all dying to see what's in your fridge today...top 5 must have foods pleeeease so I know what to feed myself.

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    Replies
    1. yes yes. I will get so many more page views and $ when the foot fetishists start visiting the blog!

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  39. "On MY rest day, however, I..." that was it, that was the one that made me LOL.

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  40. Oh my god. This is brilliant! I can't even decide which part I like best, because it's ALL AMAZING. And (sadly) it's so completely accurate. Well done.

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  41. Hah. Whenever I'm worried I'm too mean...

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  42. You forgot to also mention your "real job" status that is only 10 weeks long, oh and perhaps that you also like to wear workout gear EVERYWHERE.

    Also, you must post pictures and ONLY pictures of yourself when you're doing the arms-on-hips pose. And FLEEEXXXXXXX and smize. SMIZE like your life depends on it.

    THE END.

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  43. This made me laugh so hard!! But I think you forgot the part about take a picture of every meal.

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  44. LOL!
    To add to the list: you need, no absolutely, must overshare your run distance and timing on social media after the run. Selfies help too!
    :)

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  45. Don't forget, you only like to wash your hair once a week after logging 200 miles a week in the So. Cal sun! I bet you smell yummy :)

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  46. Oh my god Shittyblogger is the best!!! You should totally bring her back. That was amazing.

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