Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Return of ShittyBlogger

Hi babykins, it's me! Your amazeballs internet role model!

I can't believe I haven't posted since 13 HOURS AGO! A lot has happened since then.

I woke up this morning bright and early, because I had a big day ahead of me!

On tap was three meals, two snacks, a cute outfit to pick out, blog photos to take, and a workout!

The excitement for me was palpable.  I just love these days so much.  They can get really hectic! After breakfast, there is always these 12 minutes where I'm scrambling because I can't remember if the next step in my day is a workout or lunch.  It's confusing, but I am committed to this lifestyle.  It is SO, so important to me that I do whatever I have to so that I can look like a sorority girl as long as possible.

To "break the fast" so to speak, I made myself a bowl of dry oatmeal.  I'm on a raw diet for really questionable reasons that have to do with enjoying eating restrictions.  It gives me a great excuse to be disordered when I am out with friends.

Here is a picture of my morning meal in all its glory!



Wait, let's get another angle.



A few more.






Whoa.  That photo was too close.  Zooming out.

I just love the bowls that I use for all my meals.  Here is a picture that I accidentally took in context with other items, so you can tell the size of the bowl.  They are perfect size for me.



After I took pictures of my food for 30 minutes, I took a bite of it.  Then it was time to go, go, go! I had a hot date with the GYM!

It was an intense workout.  I did crossfit bodypump P90x burpee mountain climbers, with 8 rest intervals for selfies in the gym mirror.

Just to prove that I'm not lying, here is a pic of how much I sweat!



When I got home, I was so sweaty and so busy! I had 13 blog comments to moderate, and a smoothie to make.  Smoothies, guys.  There's nothing like a green mustache to say--"hey, here's a really gross picture of me with a green mustache."

The glass jar is there to say "I'm cute and artistic!" and the black blobs are there to remind you "my diet is nasty!"

Also, a little known healthy blogger fact: protein powder makes you fart.  all day.  Thank goodness blogs don't come in smell-o-vision, guyssss! (what I mean by that is that I fart a lot because of the protein powder, and if you had to smell me all day instead of just read about me, it would not be pretty).

Back to the smoothie.  It tasted just like ice cream! I would know.  I had ice cream once 11 years ago back before I realized how much my existence is centered around staying thin and pretty.  I'm fairly certain this smoothie tastes exactly like that ice cream!

Around 1:18 p.m., I suddenly I got an attack of the shoppies (that's what I call it when I'm bored and have nothing to do and think, dude, I have to shop NOW!).

My favorite thing about shopping is the mirrors.



Hawt.

I bought exactly what my closet needs -- my 118th pair of skinny jeans!  It's hard for me not to obsess over something with the word "skinny" in it.  It's osmosis.  The jeans will make you skinny.

After 3 hours of posing in the dressing room and taking pictures, I NEEDED a snack.



Thank goodness. I always keep a handful of Splenda packets in my purse and in the car for emergency snacks.  You never know when the urge to eat will hit! Especially for someone like me who has forgotten what a hunger cue is.  My new trademarked tip for you is that you keep a healthy snack in your purse so you don't get HANGRY and do something crazy like eat a snickers bar!!!! aaaaaccckkk! Can you imagine? a snickers bar?

I felt much better after my snack.

Well shit, this day has been busy.  It is now 4:27 p.m. and I am hyperventilating because I have to figure out what to do about dinner.  I can't fucking find my camera (I might have left it in the dressing room after the 300 selfies?) so I'm about to starve to death.  Shoot, darn, drats.  How am I supposed to eat something if it isn't photographed.

I'm so scared right now.

Help.

60 comments:

  1. I am speechless! You are amazing! I give you a virtual standing ovation!

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    Replies
    1. I honestly can't tell if this praise is for RoseRunner or ShittyBlogger. And now I have just referred to myself in the third person.

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    2. I was hoping that I could be witty and give ShittyBlogger a sarcastic compliment. Like, "You are totes Amazeballs, and such an inspiration!" #fitspiration #sostrong #oatmeal, #runboner, #epicday, #runningforthethighgap
      But,my sarcasm failed me the other day.

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  2. Flawlessly done. Except you forgot to post the photo of the whiteboard with the WOD on it, and the Instagram-video of you lifting hard, and the semi-defensive rant about how though your body isn't perfect it's absolutely essential that you love it anyway. And where is my product giveaway? Think of the readers.

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    Replies
    1. If ShittyBlogger was really thinking of the readers, she would provide them the gift of 10 pictures of herself, at least 2 of her abs.

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  3. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Dear god, the mini salad is brilliant. You keep me laughing. SB, will your next blog post be a day in the life at the gym?

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    1. Oh holy geez, does ShittyBlogger spend the entire day at the gym? Sounds fun. I'm sure she will be happy to do a post on this

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  4. Oh, stop complaining. Just eat half a charred squash and use the same dinner photo you posted yesterday or Wednesday or Tuesday or Sunday or Saturday or last week. Nobody will know the difference. Crisis averted!

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    Replies
    1. As long as it looks like a turd...

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    2. Thank you Gracie, that makes sense so after 4 days of splenda snacks I just ate that charred squash.

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  5. O. M. G. You are hilarious! And spot on.

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  6. What fascinates me the most about bloggers such as Shittyblogger is that they are so freaking popular. So I guess that material is what readers really want? It's bizarre. Anyway, bravo. I love it.

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    1. I think many women enjoy peeking into the diary of other women's eats. And exercise. I'd rather learn how they climbed the ranks in their career, or how they manage a family of 5, but it is what it is

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    2. Preferably 'how they climbed the ranks in their career AND managed a family of 5 while going from 5-hour marathons to BQ'. Wait, is that too much to ask? :P

      Maybe I've been going about this whole blog-reading thing all wrong: reading for advice and entertainment rather than reading to judge and compare... haven't figured out why people do the latter but it's probably for much the same reason one reads People magazine.

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    3. comparing is hard not to do. But didnt mean to judge, only poke fun at blogs' preoccupation with documenting food

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    4. don't worry, excessive food-documenting annoys me too! (Like, it's food. You have to eat every day, right? I am not that impressed by your chia pudding.)

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  7. i cant even tell you or anyone how unbelievable AWESOME THIS IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope they all just shit their pants.

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    Replies
    1. could I take credit for it? Or would that just be their diet causing the pants-shitting

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  8. You really ARE a ShittyBlogger...you forgot to take your fur baby to the park.

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    Replies
    1. Ohhh, that thing. To take care of others, you HAVE TO first take care of yourself! And I needed some me time at the gym and mall today.

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  9. I'm not sure which I like more, at this point...the actual post or the comments that followed?

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    Replies
    1. The comments is usually the right answer

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  10. YES! You've done it again. Too funny.

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  11. I'm almost on the floor right now. Inappropriate considering I'm still at work.

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    Replies
    1. Nice! whisper giggles at work are fun

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  12. I wish this would go viral. Oh wait, maybe if you host a giveaway for your farty protein powder it will!!!

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    1. I will literally give away two tubs (one chocolate, one vanilla) of "Shape protein powder for women" I bought them because of the high iron content, but it is apparently made of farts. All yours, readers! Go viral!

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  13. If you need any used workout clothes, I'm having an auction on my blog to fund my next #runDisney experience. If I don't make enough for that, then I'm going to buy some wedgie sandals. And I discovered a way to solve world hunger. But you have to read about it on my blog.

    See what I just did there? I set the bait to lure your readers over to my blog in an attempt to pump my page views. #PROFESSIONALBLOGGERSTYLE

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    Replies
    1. wedgie sandals? Gotta check that out....DAMMIT. you tricked me into giving you page views.

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  14. LOL! You just made my day 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 times brighter with this post!

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    1. as did you, with your endless 000s. :)

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  15. Oh, you hit the nail on the head! I scared my sleepy little cat with how loud I laughed. He's glaring at me now, and he might try to kill me for interrupting his nap. So thanks, ShittyBlogger. Thanks for my death by cat claws.

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    1. ShittyBlogger kills! I'ma make that her tagline

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  16. Spot on again.

    I think ShittyBlogger needs a friend who can comment with overly sickly 'I love you sweetie' , 'those raw oats look soooooo yummy!' and 'OMG, we are twinnnnzzz' messages. Oh, and who can take her in all of her Instagram photos and have a Twitter fit when her comments don't show up on ShittyBlogger's blog.

    The mason jars thing? God, it irritates me. Even UK blogs put smoothies in stupid mason jars for no good bloody reason. They're ugly as Hell (the jars, not the bloggers haha). I don't know why people think they're 'cute' or whatever, but I'd gladly gather every single mason jar in the world up into a huge pile and then go to town on it with a baseball bat.

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    1. Wanna create that alter-ego? She can be "ShittyReader," whose sole existence is fawning over ShittyBlogger to perpetuate her belief that people care about her breakfast and new jeans.

      We have somehow inherited some mason jars, and I drink wine outta them. You can still smash them if you want ;)

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  17. :) made me laugh and brake my rule of no commenting on post with pics of food

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    1. Solid rule, and you probably didn't even break your rule! I mean let's be honest. None of the above really qualifies as "food," eh?

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  18. don't forget to take a picture of your garmin so we know how many miles you ran exactly and the time bc if we don't see that, we know you're lying about your paces if you just write them in your blog.

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    1. I require video proof of the entire run, because how do we know you didn't just jump on a bike or skateboard and turn your Garmin on?

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  19. It's spelled "roll model".

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  20. Dear Shittyblogger, you are totes amaaaazing and so sooper thin and you hair is beautiful and I love your sparkles and your aura is probably glitter-rainbow coloured, and you are such an inspiration, and I can't wait to see a picture of your most recent snax (cos you eat, like soooo much junk food but you are only like 1% fat which is totes amazeballs), and I am definitely not going to wait up until you message me personally to tell me how, like, epically fabulous and inspirational I am to you too (but if you don't I will probably cry, but not too much because I don't want to dehydrate).

    Squeeeee!!!

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  21. Hadn't checked in for a few weeks.... so glad I did. Just made a gloomy day not-so-gloomy :-)

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  22. But... the worms are only 3 calories each and have more protein than a cup of Chobani! Yum, yum, yum!

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  23. OMG! That salad looks so good, you must have been so full after. What dressing did you use? I have this killer dressing, let me write you the recipe, it is so original:

    1 t balsamic vinegar
    .0001 t extra-virgin olive oil
    dash of salt
    dash of pepper

    PLEASE make sure to link back to me when using this recipe, stealing is not nice!

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    1. So full. I'm going to adapt your recipe to make it mine by getting rid of the EVOO. That is .0001 t too much.

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  24. Ok, as mentioned before, I am reading in reverse, so have no idea if this is you or someone else, but I am in love. Awesome post. Amazing.

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